ZZZZZzz…

Had to blow the dust off the keyboard to get started tonight. I decided it was a good time to write when I walked downstairs and saw Stell and Michael snoozin’ on the couch. The Christmas tree we cut down today is giving off the right ambiance of a cozy Sunday night and I knew I had to write.

Life has been so damn exhausting. Mostly in good ways but also some not-so-envious ways. Like when Stella decides she wants to wake up at 3 am just to hang out with her mommy and daddy. God, I love that adorable face but I love not having bags under my eyes too.

Having a house, a full-time job, and being a new mom is quite the battle. But it’s a battle I’m glad to be in. I surely do not have as much time to myself but at the end of every day there is no other spot I would be in. Everything feels… for a lack of better terms… right.

We cut down our very first Christmas tree today! It’s been 15 years since my mom, (step)dad, brother, and I first went. Now we have so many more people with us it is truly amazing to see the life we have created.

When we were on the drive out to the tree farm I was sitting in the backseat with Stinky (Stella) while Michael’s mom rode in the front. It was nice to be in the backseat and just stare out the window. It’s the simple moments I have alone with my thoughts that I soak in these days. It was then that I realized we were going to cut down our CHRISTMAS TREE. Some how 12. TWELVE. months have gone by. It’s honestly dizzying how fast this year went by.

I figured it was a good time to reflect on this year and how far we have all come.

I wanted to ramble on about the biggest thing I finally let settle in this year: to not water myself down.

There were so many memes and quotes I’ve seen this year that talked about not dulling your shine for people who thought you were too bright, or something along those lines. Something about never complaining about being ‘too much’.

As we go on with every year, we change, we evolve, we realize who we are.

I’m not afraid to admit that I like who I am. I have my flaws still. Tik toking for hours while Stella watches the Bee movie, eating chocolate after every meal, getting mad at Michael when he takes too long to get ready, etc. But I’m not ashamed of that. I’m not ashamed of being an open person and not judging people no matter what their views are.

I’ve come to realize that there are gonna be people, nope, that there are people that don’t resonate with my positive outlook on life. They see me as a people pleaser or putting on a front for social media or whatever you want to call it. It is a hard concept to grasp but there really are people that truly are just exuberantly happy people. This life is disgustingly too short to not wake up every day and ooze happiness. Okay, yes there are some days that are miserable, even for me. On my birthday Stella was miserable but that night was one of the best nights I’ve had in months so I choose to focus on that rather than the negative.

For a long time I tried to fit in to certain molds just so friendships (I don’t know if that word is even appropriate to describe those relationships) would be maintained. This year changed that for me. I stopped caring what people thought, said, imagined about me. Forcing most things mean they weren’t meant to work and forcing myself to be a watered down version was not working.

I am a lot but you don’t realize it till I warm up to you. I have to feel comfortable to most people for I’m really myself but I think that’s pretty standard for most. If someone never sees that side of me it just means I was never comfortable enough to be myself.

Someone should never apologize for being who they are. That was my greatest lesson of 2021.

I will not apologize for being annoyingly positive on social media.

I will not apologize for agreeing with both sides because I’m an empathetic person.

I will not apologize for being overly obsessed with nature and the beauty of it.

I will not apologize for having a vastly different outlook on life than most.

I like folk music, and taking pictures, and going hiking, and Harry Potter, and spending probably too much time with my family, and being impulsive, and being a little weird and awkward sometimes. I like being the non-girly one out my friend group and the women in my family. I like talking openly about my mental health issues just so I can help other people. I like not being able to curl my hair (not really but you know what I mean). I like not caring who is talking bad about me. I like slapping Michaels ass more than he smacks mine. I like that I annoy some people but it means I’m being me.

If there is one lesson I will never give up on teaching Stella and her future siblings it will be this. It will be to never be someone they are not for the sake of other people.

2021 has been the most encouraging year because I can feel myself becoming more ‘me’.

No matter what your 2021 looked like just look at the positives of it. Even if those positives were that you got out of bed more than you thought you would, its still positive.

I hope everyone’s holiday season is happy and healthy. Love yourself, love the people around you, and be easy on everyone. Everyone is struggling in different ways. What may seem small to you is big to them. Check on your friends.

I doubt that I will be writing before the new year with all the craziness to come. Michael and I hit two years next week! Easily the greatest two years of my life.

Well,

Thank you for reading!

xoxo, Lex.