Slipping Away

Well damn, it has been a while. Time seems to be just slipping away day by day.

I don’t know how to feel about it.

One day I was 9 months pregnant, living at my parents still, waddling around, craving oranges. Now I’m in mine and Michael’s house with our daughter who’s gonna be one in six days. SIX DAYS.

If I did have to put a word on how I feel it would be: bittersweet. Sorta cliché but so true. It’s sweet to watch my life unfold into everything I always hoped it would be. But absolutely bitter that I can’t slow the hours down.

People have always told me “You think time goes by fast now? Wait till you have a kid.” I underestimated how accurate that statement is.

I also underestimated how much you can love another being. Yes- I love Michael. I love my Mom. I love my Nonnie. But it is such a different type of love. A love that you would literally throw yourself into the sun for. A love that once you experience it you can no longer remember what life was like without it. That’s what loving your child is like.

Maybe your child is furry and walks on all four legs- you get it too. I wish everyone could conceive as easily as we did. There are so many people who are just begging to see the ‘+’ sign and little do they know I’m rooting for them too. I’m rooting for them to feel this feeling.

In the past year since our Stella Rose was born I have evolved into a person that a friend from two years ago wouldn’t recognize. You morph into a person that was hiding inside and waiting to be called ‘Mom’. (Holy shit it still sounds weird when I say that I’m a mom).

One of my best friends recently told me how far I’ve come. She didn’t have to tell me. But she did. And it made me damn proud of myself.

Between taking care of a human, renovating a house, starting a new job, making meals, maintaining a social life, and working out- I also managed to be become a better person.

I’d like to think I’ve always been a good person but I was young and naïve. I made dumb decisions and said dumb things. So I guess it’s normal that I’ve matured… but maybe not because maturing doesn’t seem to be very ‘in’ these days.

As I said earlier, a person who knew me two years ago would probably recognize me physically but after a short while conversing I think they’d see me in a different light.

I’ve recently been connecting with a lot of people from my past. Just friends that will always hold a special spot in my heart. I think of what they think of me now. The person they knew was being a teenager or girl in her young 20’s living life. Now I’m a mom. A whole ass mom with a life.

It feels like just yesterday I was driving to East Aurora blasting music on top of the world knowing I was about to spend the whole night hanging out with people I considered family.

It feels like just yesterday I was getting ready to go out Thursday, Friday and Saturday with my best friends on the prowl for some fun.

And then I blinked and time slipped.

This all isn’t to say I don’t still have fun. Just ask Michael’s mom for example. Who witnessed me come in and faceplant in our sunroom then proceeded to lay on a pile of shoes because I was too drunk to get up.

Fun just comes differently now. Different because I’m in a new phase of my life.

I’m embracing it.

Embracing that vacations now include buying expensive things so you can hike with your kid up a mountain.

I wouldn’t change a damn thing.

I wouldn’t change the sleepless nights. They just went from drunk sleepless nights to sleepless nights with a kid who won’t fall asleep.

I wouldn’t change the fights. They just went from what boy likes what friend to fighting with Michael about what Netflix series we’re watching next.

I wouldn’t change the lost friendship. They created the best memories that I still cherish and led my to my friends I know I’ll have until we’re six feet under.

All in all its crazy that Stella will be one next week. It made me reflect on the person I am today and the person I was.

If you made it this far, I love ya.

If you’re an old friend, I still love ya.

If you’re cheering me on, I treasure you.

Thanks for reading friends.

Until next time.

Xoxo, Lex.