Anxiety: 9 Years Later.

Today may be just another Thursday for almost anyone out there. But for me this date means a little more. I remember it like yesterday. The Patriots were playing the Seahawks, my family was all in the other room watching. I laid on my aunts bed convincing myself something was wrong with my heart. After a little time goes by I’m in the hospital doped up on relaxer to stop my heart from racing. I get home a few hours later and start the hardest battle I’ve fought in my life to this day.

In the 9 years since that night I’ve learned so much about myself and mental health.

I always like writing about it and sharing because it’s important we don’t forget just how important mental health is and so I don’t forget how strong I really am.

Throughout these years there have been so many loved ones and people I know come to me for advice on the topic of anxiety. I like to think God made me go through it all those years ago at such an extreme level so I would be able to help those around me. Maybe that’s the case, maybe it’s not not. Either way it makes me feel good to know I can help someone overcome their struggle with it.

It’s also important I write this as a sobering reminder that social media is the highlight reel, the best of the best, of every persons life.

My anxiety is still there. It’s part of who I am. It’s in my DNA (Thanks Mom).

It lingers like a monster in the closet waiting to come out until it’s dark enough.

It comes out when I drink too much alcohol or caffeine. It comes out when I’m too in-tune with my body and I feel the slightest difference in something that it triggers my health anxiety. It comes out when I need to step on airplane even though I’ve flown dozens of times by now. Sometimes I need my mom to come over and sit with me for a bit. Sometimes I need to shut the world out and recoup for a night. Sometimes I need to call-in to work for a mental reset.

Sometimes I get so afraid that the seemingly endless and terrifying cycle is one panic attack away.

My point being that it’s never going away and I will always have my struggles.

I’m damn proud of myself for still being here. For having a career that I love and I’m excelling in. For being a mother and raising the most amazing child. For still having my adventures and seeing the world. I’m proud of myself for still loving this life even though there are two halves of me that contradict themselves. The carefree person who wants to live life on a whim and the anxious, needs-a-schedule person who can’t leave their house without a spare Xanax for the ‘just in case’ moment.

There will never be a year that this day comes and goes where I don’t stop and think about how far I’ve come.

And a special thanks to my amazing mother who still drops whatever she’s doing to come console me when I’m convinced that it’s my last moment on Earth hahaha. We can’t forget to laugh. Anyone close enough to me knows I love making my jokes about my struggles but its all part of the healing process.

Thanks for reading and getting this far. Thanks for the years of words of encouragement and love. I really wouldn’t be here without the amazing humans in my life.

Until next time.

Xoxo Lex.