24′ Recap. The good, the bad, the ugly.

I cannot believe this is my second and last post of 2024.

That just goes to show the type of this year has been.

Fast and chaotic.

Some people see January 1st as just another day. Some see it as a new beginning, a fresh start. I am the latter.

Although technically every day is a fresh start, the first of the year seems like the freshest.

It seems so cliche but it really is so comforting for some people to know that the last year is behind them (*ahem* me, I am some people).

Starting off 2024 I had no idea that it would be tied for 1st with 2014 for being the hardest year of my life. Granted, my hardest year may have been a walk in the park for some other people. I never want to diminish others struggles and make it seem like I’ve had it the worst, or no one else deserves recognition. But, it was the hardest for me and I’m thankful to know it wasn’t as hard as others 2024 experiences.

Looking back, in December of 23′ I started to feel off. A little more anxious, a little more on edge. I just assumed it was my body adjusting to not having to wedding plan and going back to normal routine.

I assumed wrong. Oh so wrong that I laugh at it now.

Queue 4-5 months of slowly sliding down my cute, slippery slope of mental health issues.

Breaking point- July 4th.

I couldn’t enjoy our annual party. I couldn’t enjoy the fireworks with my daughter. She sat in her psuedo-aunts lap and I watched through snapchats 100 yards away in my parents spare bedroom. Hyperventilating, high on my 4th Xanax of the day, thinking I was dying.

Now let me tell ya what ain’t fun. Having panic attacks and just wanting peace and quiet while there are fireworks going off. Sheeeesh I still get an icky feeling of how helpless I felt that night. Little did I know it was going to get worse.

I know we all know my anxiety journey by now (if you’re sick of it I advise you leave now). This little blog has always been a way for me to get my writing out there but has also always been a way for me to show other people that they aren’t alone in their struggles. Some people like keeping their struggles private. Some like going to therapy. Whatever works for you, works for you. Writing, with a sprinkle of therapy, and a dash of meds keeps me feeling good about my journey.

Something I did NOT know about my anxiety journey is that my meds I started in 2014 would eventually stop working in body. Something I did NOT know is that I was never evaluated for OCD even though I showed signs. You learn something new every day, aye?

July 2024 made those above 2 points something I would know about.

There came a point I was afraid of myself. Afraid of my thoughts. Afraid of what I would do to myself or someone around me. So, my mom and I made the decision to go to ECMC to their outpatient emergency mental health facility. I am so happy we did. I didn’t know this place existed and I wish more people did for when they’re in crisis.

I took a leave of absence from work, I attended a 14 day program to learn tips and tricks about my mental health. (Yep, even after 10 years I had things to learn). I switched medications. I was diagnosed with OCD. I started therapy.

And I’m not ashamed of any of it.

Those who know me probably aren’t shocked at the OCD diagnoses but most people, including my own mom, didn’t know the extent of it. My mental rituals, habitual checking of things, my *magical* thinking, having to share those dreaded Instagram stories or else I’d have 7 years bad luck, my rumination on every possible negative intrusive thought that crossed my mind.

I was living the last 10 years thinking my thought process was just my a side affect of my anxiety. But my anxiety was from my OCD thought process. It was such a sigh of relief knowing I wasn’t crazy. I really thought I was going crazy, like genuinely ending up in a psych ward was my biggest fear. Then I learned that was OCD telling me I was crazy. So many people think OCD is keeping their house tidy, or having to have things ‘just so’ and I’m here to tell you it goes far far far beyond that. Now when people say ‘I’m so OCD’ I cringe hoping they just mean they’re organized because there’s not one person I’d wish it on. Only 1-2% of Americans are diagnosed with OCD. I’m so special, gosh!! We all knew I’d make light of this situation at some point!

Really though- it was a roughhhhhhhhh July-September. I wasn’t myself. I was watching my life through someone else’s eyes. I was watching my husband and our families and friends take care of our daughter. I was wasting my life away. Waking up every day into a constant state of panic and endless thinking of when I’d feel like me again. Wondering if I would make it to see 2025.

Then the little pregnancy test said positive and I was like ‘finally the tides’ have changed. Well, we all know how that ended. Another blow to 2024. Picking the pieces back up again, not letting myself spiral.

Then Christmas season came. And thank the good Lord it did.

December is when I truly felt like me again. Able to laugh and enjoy the moments and sleep well again. It was such a sigh of relief.

As I type this I have so many mixed emotions.

Anger & sadness. For missing so many beautiful moments. For missing my brother in-law and sister in-laws wedding and facetiming Michael each day he was away just crying out of pure sadness. For letting so many months slip away while I sat and worried in my house about nothing that I could control or have answers to. I missed seeing my favorite band at Red Rocks. I got to the stands and simply couldn’t get myself to stay. The list of events I’ve missed is 16 things long. I’m angry that I was staring at my phone for hours on end each day without playing with Stella because my mind wouldn’t let me be present without panicking. So much pain to think of what I missed out on.

On the same token there is so much happiness swarming me. I watched my baby brother marry his (and my) best friend. So many of our friends said ‘I do’. So many friends announcing Stella would have even more friends to play with in 2025. Happiness knowing that throughout it all Stella is flourishing and succeeding in pre-school. Happiness knowing that my job and coworkers welcomed me back with open arms. Happiness seeing the babies in my life learn to walk and talk. Happiness because there’s so much happiness in my loved ones lives. Happiness knowing that I’m here to see another year come&go.

I was afraid I wasn’t strong enough to get to the end of 2024 alive.

This year has also taught me so much about having meaningful and hard conversations. My mental state had me tarnishing relationships on accident. So many tears were shed as friendships and relationships were rejuvenated. 2024 taught me that it’s okay to have raw conversations. I was always one for written communication over verbally expressing things but emotions are what make us human and something I won’t take for granted even after I hit ‘publish’ on this post.

As shitty as this year was I really don’t think I would go back and change one thing.

It was another notch on my belt. I added more tools to my toolbox for when my meds wear off in 2034. KIDDING… hopefully… lol.

I’m a believer, a firm believer, that every single thing happens for a reason. We couldn’t find a new house in April/May because I needed to be close to my mom for when it was 5am and I needed her over to help me through a panic attack. Hurricane Helene hit and my brothers wedding in Florida was rescheduled to 3 days earlier in Buffalo because I would have miscarried the morning of their wedding in Florida. We lost the baby because someone or something knew that I wasn’t in the right space mentally or physically to bring another life into the world yet. I hit rock bottom because I needed to learn that I had OCD and learn new things to help me. I complicated relationships because bigger conversations needed to be had to truly fix them at their core.

We can either focus on the bad or we can focus on the reason we went through the bad.

I still have my moments where I say ‘what the f*ck man’ about life and have anxious moments and OCD compulsions. But I don’t let myself focus on them like I did before.

If you made it this far, thank you.

Thanks for caring. I’m so happy to be going into 2025 with such incredible people.

To Michael, Stella, E, Soso, Steve, Pamela Samela, Laur, my Lolo, Mom, Jon, Dad, Nonnie, Poppa, Christel, Mark, my aunts&uncles, my cousins, my friends (not ‘my friends and Michaels friends’ because Michaels friends are mine too), my coworkers and my boss- thank you. For helping me get through one of the hardest years of my life. 2025 is dedicated to all of you who have given me endless grace, hope, love and support to make sure I didn’t give up.

2025 will be filled with more posts. And happier ones at that. 2025 please be nice.

Xoxo, Lex.