The Ones Above

15 years seems like a long time when you think quickly.

2005. I was so young. I was only 9. Not everyone had a touchscreen phone. The Harry Potter films had four more to release. I never thought twice about having a baby sister.

Yet when I stop and think about memories from then, it seems like it could have been last year.

2005 was the year I gained my first guardian angel. My fraternal grandma, Laura.

It’s funny how I recall the very spot I was standing when I spoke into the phone to tell her goodbye even though she couldn’t respond. I was only 9 and yet I remember it so vividly.

The older I get it seems the more and more I think of her. I think of how proud she would be of my aunt, uncle, brother, real father and myself. I think of how much my friends would love talking to her and laugh with her. I think of how much she would love Michael. I think of how much she would love my little sister even though she isn’t biologically hers. I think of how she would already being spoiling the shit out of my her great-granddaughter, my Stella.

I feel as though I have cried more about missing her in the past five years than I did when I was young. Maybe that attributes to the fact that I didn’t realize how much I would want to be a part of my grandparents lives at nine years old.

Thankfully, I haven’t experienced immense loss as many other people my age and younger have. I can count on one hand the significant people I lost.

Most recently my great Uncle Jim in 2019. His passing awoke the side of me that had forgotten how quickly things can change. He is another who would have loved to see his granddaughter grow up. He would love to have another laugh with my Poppa. He would love to have another kiss from my Aunt Donna. But instead he gets to protect them from wherever he is.

Before my Uncle Jim I was much younger when I lost loved ones. I had the privilege of knowing all four of my great-grandmas, and still have one with me. And even though I was young (8-11) when I lost them and my Great Uncle Kevin, I still have amazing memories with them also.

And now as my little pup, Joba, comes close to his end all the emotions of an everlasting goodbye has set in again.

It really is just perplexing that one day they are here and the next they are gone.

It’s something I will never be able to understand no matter how many times someone leaves here.

Sure, I probably am more emotional about missing certain loved ones because of getting closer to meeting my daughter but there are certain people that live with that pain daily because of who they’ve lost.

The loss of a parent is something I can’t even imagine and I know far too many people without a mom or dad and it breaks my heart. Having the empty spot for my grandma makes me sympathetic knowing that they have a bigger spot open for their parent.

Maybe you don’t believe in God, or the afterlife, or ghosts but believing in those things give me the calmness that I will see everyone again.

My grandma has shown me she’s still here in many ways over the years. When I’m struggling she pops in. Most recently, in a dream. It is just a constant reminder that just because they’re gone doesn’t mean they are erased.

I hope she continues to watch over me as I continue navigating this life.

I hope she is happy with how things are for myself and her other loved ones.

I hope she smiles seeing how happy I am with Michael and everyone else in my life.

I will never stop thinking of her. I will never stop believing I’ll see her again.

And I know if you have a loss, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And if you don’t have such a loss- you are lucky. But then again, so are the hurting ones because we had something we loved so much that we now miss.